The Violence of Existence
by teresa
Summary: After returning to herself, Celena begins to keep a journal. After some time, though, it begins to record more than just her daily life. In her descent into something inside her, can she be saved? *MAJOR SPOILERS!*


I want to start off by saying that this story...hmm...well, it's weird, I'll admit, but it has it's own charm...sort of...yeah. Anyway, I don't really expect a lot of reviews. If I do get any, they'll probably be something along the lines of "what the hell was that about you nutcase?" and I'm willing to accept that. But I do think that if you give this story a chance and just...you know, go with it, you'll maybe learn to love it. And hey, if you don't, I don't care. I have a story up right now that has received no more than six reviews. I have another with over three hundred. Why is that? Was one of them a mistake and the other was the epitome of everything in me that was any good at writing? No. I'll tell you that the reason for such things is that some of my stories cater to what the readers want, and some just don't. Am I a sellout? No, I don't think so. Otherwise, I'd spend my energy on this story instead writing some trite piece where Hitomi's about to leave Gaea and Van says "oh no, don't leave me or I'll die! My heart will implode!" and then Hitomi kisses him and she stays and they kiss a million times, the end. Okay, not to disrespect anyone who would enjoy that story more than this one *cough*Agent*coughcough*Kodama*cough* but come on! I could write stuff like that without any sleep and probably pull it off convincingly. Hey, I'm not saying that I'm against Hitomi and Van. If you look at my stuff, I do cater to many mainstream ideals like that, but I'm also true to myself. If I thought that Hitomi wanted to have a bunch of little Drydens and damn the readers, hey, I'd write that story. So yeah, what I'm really trying to say is, don't hate my story because it does not contain a completely overused plot line. Hate it for a _good_ reason! Come on, I'm waiting...

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The Violence of Existence

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"She's not here, Allen." Millerna laid a hand on the blonde man's arm, hoping to get through to him. "No matter how many times you come here, she won't be here. She's gone."

"I know, Millerna." Allen sighed as he stood in the doorway to the empty room. "But it's hard for me to learn that every time I turn, she won't be there. When I look for her here, it's pointless. But I need to look anyway. Do you understand?"

"I think so." Millerna thought of her older sister, of the loss she'd felt when Marlene had left and the denial she had gone through. "I'll just...go then. Take your time, Allen."

"Yes," Allen barely watched her go as he entered his little sister's old room. It was an interesting room to say the least, full of flowers and shiny stones and interesting sticks that Celena had picked up and insisted on keeping. Sometimes Millerna tried to clean up and throw some of it away, but his sister always threw such a fit...

Allen looked down, puzzled that he'd stubbed his toe when he was standing beside Celena's bed, but was not near the bedposts. Leaning down, he felt for the object his foot had hit and gasped as he found a familiar silk-bound volume he had given to Celena right after he had found her again. "Her journal...I didn't think she'd keep it..." and Allen opened it up, unable to resist the urge to read what was inside. After all, if she had left it here, what harm could there be? Still, Allen closed the door before he settled down on the edge of her bed to read the first page, which was not dated. Celena had never liked keeping track of days for some reason. There were gaps between entries, though, so at least he could see when she'd stopped and started up again.

_My big brother tells me that today is my birthday. I do not know if he's right, but I want him to know everything, and so I agree. He gave me this book and told me to write in it. I don't know why, but if Allen wants me to write, I'll write as much as he wants. He's all I have, you know. Now that I'm back to me..._

_I am writing again, like big brother said to. Maybe if I write long enough, he'll love me best of all. He loves me and I know that he's my brother so he must always love me, but I want him to love me more. I want him to love me more than that girl. I hate that girl who laughs and stands pretty with her long hair held back. Pink dresses. She likes pink dresses. Or maybe Allen likes them. If Allen wants me to wear a pink dress, that's what I'll wear. I will. I need Allen to love me best. That way, Allen will always be here, and when the badness comes, he'll chase it away again like he did before. I thought the badness had won, but it wasn't as strong as my big brother. He won. I love him..._

_Today brother and I went on a walk. We saw flowers and I found five pretty rocks. I gave three of them to Allen, and he gave me three of his because he loves me and wants me to have the prettiest things. I love the three rocks he gave me. They're better than the other ones, and if anyone tries to touch them, I won't let them. I won't even let Gaddes touch them, or that girl. Why is she always here? Doesn't she live somewhere else with her sad-looking sister? Can't she go there and leave me alone with Allen? I hate her. I wish Allen would tell her to go away..._

_Brother had to leave on an important mission because he is a powerful knight and the world needs him to protect the peace. That girl left, and she has not returned. I hope she stays away, but I think she will come back when he does. She told me that she wants to marry him. She told me that then we would be sisters. I don't want a sister, and if I had one like her, I would kill her. I only want my brother. He is my only family, my whole world. Before they left, I made sure Gaddes would watch him. Gaddes understands how important my brother is to me. I don't think he likes Millerna either. He says that a princess's place is in her country, not dallying with a knight, even a Knight Caeli. I don't know what dallying means, and he won't tell me, but I think that it means she's bad. She is a bad woman and I hope she dies..._

_Brother came back today, and he was not hurt at all.  I was very happy seeing him, until that damn woman came.  She came back yesterday and I wanted so badly to sneak into her room and smother her.  I stayed up all night with the pillow in my hands, thinking of how easy it would be.  But then I realized that if I killed her, I would go back to the badness.  My brother told me once that only Dilandau killed people.  I don't kill people.  If I killed her, even though I hate her so much, it would be Dilandau.  I don't want to fight him again.  I think I am too weak, and he would win.  Maybe it is his voice inside, whispering when I sit next to Millerna at dinner, telling me to stab that woman instead of using the knife for my meat.  I know what his voice sounds like, but sometimes, it sounds just like mine and I don't know whether I should listen or not._

_Today I was walking behind Millerna in the hallway, and I had to stop myself from choking her.  My hands wouldn't listen, and they kept moving up and up toward her neck.  She couldn't see me, she didn't know what I almost did.  But then I won, and I ran away.  I ran fast, though I could hear her calling out to me, asking what was wrong.  I couldn't tell her what happened.  If I told her, she'd tell brother, and he would know that I wasn't strong enough to stop the badness and he would never love me best then.  I ran outside and almost knocked Gaddes over because I was in such a rush.  I surprised him, but he seemed happy to see me.  We went for a walk in the garden, talking about little things like the weather and the flowers and such.  It was relaxing, and I was glad to see that with him, who I trust as much as my own brother, I felt almost as though I could always keep the badness away.  If felt like a normal, sane woman.  And I didn't hear his voice once._

_Lord Van visited today with that funny cat girl that always stays with him.  He was sad-looking like always, but I didn't see him for very long.  He makes me feel very nervous, and I know that Dilandau still wants to kill him more than anything else.  I think Lord Van doesn't trust me to hold Dilandau in.  I think he wants to kill me, but he understands that my brother would never forgive him for that, so he doesn't.  Sometimes I wish he would.  It's hard to hold the badness in so I can keep everyone safe.  I wish I could rest, but Dilandau wants to come out again.  He is restless, and he longs for the fire and the death that he once surrounded himself in.  I don't want blood and fire, but I wonder how long I can hold him back.  I don't want my weakness to let him loose on the world._

_Almost every day now Gaddes and I take a walk in the garden.  I think it helps me to keep Dilandau inside knowing that I have him on my side.  He is strong, much stronger than me, and I think that if he had Dilandau inside, he would have smashed him out of existence, but I can barely keep control of my mind, much less push him out altogether.  Gaddes picked me some flowers.  I keep them on my window and try to let them save me from myself.  I told Gaddes that I can still hear Dilandau, that I wonder how long I'll stay in control, and he promised not to tell my brother.  I think I'd die if Allen knew the truth.  I told Gaddes, and he didn't hate me at all.  He told me that he'd always be there for me, even if I lost.  I love him.  He believes in me even more than I do._

_I almost killed her.  Allen is very angry.  He locked me in my room by myself, but Gaddes told him that he wanted to be with me so that I wouldn't be alone right now.  I'm glad he's here, but he looks so sad, it upsets me.  I couldn't help it, though.  I was so angry.  At dinner, Allen stood up to tell me that Millerna and him were engaged to be married and she smiled at me like I should be happy that she won, that he loves her more and always will.  What could I do?  I wanted to cry, to slap her and run away, to hide from all of it.  But Dilandau was waiting for me to be so weak, and before I knew what was happening, I had her pinned to the table, a knife pressed to her throat.  I have vague memories of this, mostly images, as Dilandau was in control and I could only watch.  I think I called her a name.  Something like "dirty fucking cunt" and then Allen pulled me off her.  Dilandau wanted his blood, so he fought and tried to stab Allen.  Then everything went black and I woke up in my room with a headache.  Gaddes says that Allen had to knock me out because I couldn't be controlled.  He says the scar came back and Allen knows it wasn't me attacking her, but I know that he must hate me now.  I can't even stay myself for him, the one I love most.  I don't know what is worse, Allen's anger or Gaddes' disappointment.  I wish I could die._

_Allen still won't talk to me after what happened with Millerna.  I honestly feel sorry, and I can't see why he could believe that it was my wish to hurt her.  I admit that I didn't like her before.  I hated her, in fact, but I don't think that was me.  It was Dilandau, wanting an excuse to be free.  It scares me to know that he could control me so much without my knowing, but hopefully I'll be able to avoid that ever happening again.  I don't want to be second to him.  This is my body.  I was born this way, and I am not that man.  I need to remember that all the time, even when I'm sad.  Even when I'm angry at the world for my lot and I want to listen to his words.  He's wrong.  And yet, I know that he understands me as I understand him.  Sharing a mind does that to you.  I just…don't want to lose control again.  But what can I do except hope?  Gaddes told me that he still believes in me, and that helps me a lot.  He gave me a present, as he knows how sad I've felt, knowing that I've fallen out of my brother's good graces.  This morning when I woke up, there was a pretty canary in a cage in my room with a note from him.  His note told me that "no matter what, I should always be like a bird, who sings whether it is happy or sad."  I think that was very sweet of him.  I love the cute bird that he has given me, so friendly and cheerful no matter what is wrong.  I want to be like that bird.  His name is Kibou, because he gives me hope that I will be able to sing through the hardest times._

_Dilandau wants to hurt Kibou.  He doesn't like how happy that bird makes me.  He doesn't like the way I smile as I care for him and realize each day that though very few trust me anymore, Kibou trusts me with his life at all times.  He has complete faith in me, and Dilandau knows it makes me feel strong.  I don't think he likes it.  Last night he chirped a bit, and I smiled before I heard his voice spill out of my mouth.  "Kill the stupid thing." He said.  But I won't.  The only thing is that now I'm afraid to touch Kibou.  Dilandau might take over, and he'll kill my dear pet, I know.  And if I killed it…Gaddes would know, and he would be so disappointed, so sad.  I don't want him to be sad.  I don't want him to stop believing in me, because then I know I'll be alone with Dilandau.  And he'll kill me then.  He hasn't the patience for my gentle nature.  He wants those pieces of brutality he misses so much, and I can't…let him.  I can't.  I have to stay strong.  For Gaddes, for my Kibou, for everyone._

_Today I heard Allen and Gaddes arguing.  I wasn't eavesdropping, or at least, I didn't mean to.  I was walking down the hall and I happened to hear their voices coming from the next corridor.  They were loud, so I decided to listen and find out if anything was wrong.  My brother was saying that I'm not in control and that I'm not safe to be around others anymore.  He wanted to send me away, but Gaddes was telling him that I deserved another chance.  He told Allen that I was a pure soul, gentle and sweet, and that he knew my goodness would eventually prevail.  I couldn't believe it, my own brother wanting to send me away, and my only defender, Gaddes, saying such wonderful things about me.  I would leave here if he came with me._

_Allen is going to send me away.  He came and told me, but he tried to be very nice about it.  He told me that I would like it better at this new place and that everyone would be very nice to me.  I wanted to know why I had to leave my only family behind, why he was picking Millerna over me, and he couldn't answer.  He says I have to leave Kibou.  And that I have to go alone.  He says that Gaddes will take me to my new home, but I will be left there.  Abandoned, when I thought that I had at least Gaddes and Kibou to depend on, at the very least.  And now I see that all I have is the voice inside, that evil that I somehow can't resist.  Dilandau, you'll never leave me, even when all others toss me aside.  I hate you sometimes, but for your steadfast ways, I love you.  If nothing else, you've been something of a friend to me, more true than all others.  I can't believe Gaddes will really leave me like that.  I shall leave you here, journal.  You were a record of my struggle with sanity, and my eventual failure.  I tried as hard as I could, but it seems that no one had any faith in my ability to succeed.  So I leave my story without any end, but truly finished._

"Celena, I'm so sorry." Allen sighed as he read the last words, closing the book and setting it neatly in the top drawer of Celena's nightstand.  She had taken very little with her.  Even that noisy bird had stayed, as he told her it must.  "I wonder if Gaddes would like to watch it now…" Allen drifted off as he looked around the room and noticed that the bird in it's gilded cage was missing.  What had happened to it?  Perhaps Gaddes had already moved it to his quarters…

"Allen, are you in here still?" Millerna's voice drew him out of his reverie and he turned to see her standing at the doorway, an envelope clutched in one hand, her cheeks pink from running to find him.  "Allen, this letter's just arrived.  It's from Celena."

"Did Gaddes bring it back with him?" Allen was relieved to think that the other man had returned.  It was hard running things without him.

"No, Gaddes hasn't returned." Millerna's brow furrowed slightly, worried about the logistics of it.  Two weeks ago, they had left on a three day journey, and still no word from the commander of Allen's men.  "Maybe he sent a letter too?"

"Let's see it." Allen took the envelope, breaking the seal and pulling out the sheets inside, he began to read his sister's familiar handwriting.

_Dear Brother,_

_I hope Millerna and you are well, and that you are not to worried about the delay in communications.  You must wonder what has happened to dear Gaddes by now.  Well, I won't keep you in suspense any longer.  He is here with me now.  When we were on the road to the place you intended to send me, he was very quiet.  I didn't think much of it as I was angry at him as well as you for abandoning me.  But then I heard a noise I never thought I'd hear again.  Kibou!  His cage was inside the carriage with my other things.  I asked Gaddes about it and he smiled at me, saying that he couldn't take me to some place where they'd lock me in a hole and cut me off from the world for the rest of my life.  And brother…he asked me to marry him!_

_I couldn't believe it at first, but he kissed me then, repeating his question, and I knew he was serious.  I feel as though I've been swept into some fairy tale where the sad princess is rescued by true love.  And that's what it is, dear brother.  I have never been so happy in all my life as I have in this past week.  We eloped, but I can't tell you where.  Gaddes says we're in hiding now until you get your head screwed on right.  Maybe someday I shall see you again, but if I don't, you should know that I forgive you.  Loving Millerna, of course you feared for her safety and wanted to protect her from me.  In your position, I might have done the same thing.  But I think you should know that Dilandau is gone.  It's an odd feeling, being in control once and for all, but I know it.  He's left, and Gaddes' love has filled the empty space and more.  I am so happy, brother, and I wish the most happiness to Millerna and you, should we meet again._

_Love,_

_Celena_

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The End


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